I was just talking with a friend about poisonous relationships and social interactions and thought I’d share a few insights.
There are too many pathological types (if you want to call them narcissists, sociopaths, users, parasites, etc.) out there for me to think in terms of a bunch of isolated incidents. Exploitative relationships are reinforced by the patriarchal capitalist regime in which we live.
The goal is always to exploit or capitalize on every relationship and milk it and the other person for all it’s/they’re worth. We see this repeated in popular media representations of relationships which are based around exploiting another person (mainly women) emotionally (using them as ego-boosters or emotional dumping grounds), physically (using them for sexual gratification, physical labor, pregnancy, etc.), and mentally (using their ideas and mentally fucking them).
The belief that we and others are always deficient is primary to this dynamic. The patriarchal capitalist regime mandates that we swallow the belief we are always in need, that we are deficient or incomplete somehow and must seek out something to fill our needs. That something is often another person who is able to provide some sort of mental, emotional, or physical sustenance for a time. Pathological types (which I’m thinking of as the progeny, arms, or minions of the larger patriarchal capitalist monster) often relate to others in a very superficial way, offering flattery, feigning emotional or sexual connection, or being charming so that their targets believe they’re benign or that they’re actually gaining something from the relationship. This, of course, is a lie but can feel very compelling such that it’s difficult to see the dynamic for what it is and can be extremely difficult to extricate ourselves from.
The symptoms of being in this type of relationship can seem subtle and of course we’re taught to ignore them. What I’ve noticed is that interactions with these people can feel extremely draining but we’re not certain why. We may find ourselves compromising our boundaries over and over again whether they be physical boundaries or things like time, money, and energy. Though we may not be conscious of it, we know on some level that these relationships are conditional upon allowing these people to use use us in one way or another. Most glaringly, and what may clue us in to something being wrong, we may actually suffer consequences if we assert ourselves in some way, maybe by just disagreeing with them or saying “no” to something.
I don’t know that there are any real “solutions” so much as just really paying attention to how you’re impacted by a relationship and responding accordingly. You can test the waters by asserting your boundaries and personhood and watch for their reactions and use that information to decide what direction you need to go.
Stay vigilant and remember that you’re a full person. People who don’t treat you that way don’t deserve to be in your life.
a rain and a gale 