Bessel van der Kolk said,
“The essence of trauma is that it is overwhelming, unbelievable, and unbearable.”
I cannot tell you what happened in my relationship……..only that I believed he would never hurt me.
When he hurt me, I didn’t believe he would do it again.
When I began to shatter and unfold, I didn’t think he would lash out at me in so much anger.
When I begged him to stop, I didn’t believe he would keep going.
When I was hospitalized the first time, I didn’t believe he would continue betraying me as I attempted to heal.
I tried to get away. Twice I went to live where I thought I might be safe.
But he was always there………..sweet, kind, loving, affectionate.
When I returned, I didn’t believe the abuse would continue, but it did.
I never believed he would hurt me.
I never thought I would believe I deserved it.
Finally, I decided that I would leave or die.
I decided I would rather take my own life than endure the pain of living with him.
I left on a rainy day, hungry and desperate.
I didn’t see him for almost a month.
But then he was there…….sweet, kind, loving, affectionate.
And I waded into the dark waters, hungry for their comforts.
I sank and sank until I almost drowned.
When he left he told me he “tried and tried with no returns.”
And I sat…..wrecked.
He had taken me in, filled me up, cut me down and thrown me out.
Every moment was overwhelming, unbelievable and completely unbearable. I still don’t believe it…and I don’t know how to bear it. Sometimes I wake up to a man’s voice. I am terrified and alone and still……..I long for his arms around me.