All Aboard the Anxiety Train!

Woo! Woo!

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I talk a pretty good game sometimes as far as confidence goes but I’m really a ball of nerves. It’s ironic how much effort goes into appearing relaxed.

This morning I woke up and went to the bathroom. While I was in there I noticed a large bottle of body wash had moved into the shower while nothing had been moved out. All aboard!

“Another bottle? The last one he put in there was for storage because it was leaking. And I haven’t seen the level in his shampoo bottle change in nine months. Then again, his loofah hasn’t changed either. Meanwhile, B has added three more bottles since I’ve gotten here. I keep rotating my stuff in and out of the shower so there’s not too much clutter. (Just ask him to move some stuff.) What if he gets mad at me? When I’ve made requests like that before, he gets defensive. (That’s his problem.) I feel like I’m suffocating here, like I’m being pushed out the way I was when E moved into my mom’s house, or when V moved in after that. Nobody listens to me. It doesn’t matter if I’m uncomfortable. I can’t ask either of them, they won’t listen to me. Let’s think of how to phrase this: ‘Hey, it’s getting a little crowded in the shower, would you be willing to find another spot for your stuff?’ Eh. Too complicated. I can’t do this.”

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Later

“I feel rotten. I’m embarrassed about that other situation from earlier and I’m still anxious about the shower. I want to work out but I don’t want to go back in the bedroom again while B is asleep. I hate having to go in there to get clothes then go to the bathroom to change and then go back into the bedroom to deposit my other clothes. Ugh. I just want to go in and change and come out. But I don’t want him to see me. I really have to get this anxiety out. I hate it here. I want to get hired already so I can movethe fuck out.”

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And we’ve reached the station. Just kidding. That train will probably be running off and on ALL DAY. I don’t care if it seems crazy. I’ve had people tell me my whole life my feelings are nothing, unimportant, blah blah blah. Obviously our experiences are different. Anyway, if you’ve ever had a moment, a day, a year or a life like this–I can relate. I try to laugh as much as possible but it definitely helps to know there are people out there who get it.

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