Dark Waters: The Unbearable Truth of My Abusive Relationship

Bessel van der Kolk said,

“The essence of trauma is that it is overwhelming, unbelievable, and unbearable.”

I cannot tell you what happened in my relationship……..only that I believed he would never hurt me.

When he hurt me, I didn’t believe he would do it again.

When I began to shatter and unfold, I didn’t think he would lash out at me in so much anger.

When I begged him to stop, I didn’t believe he would keep going.

When I was hospitalized the first time, I didn’t believe he would continue betraying me as I attempted to heal.

I tried to get away. Twice I went to live where I thought I might be safe.

But he was always there………..sweet, kind, loving, affectionate.

When I returned, I didn’t believe the abuse would continue, but it did.

I never believed he would hurt me. 

I never thought I would believe I deserved it.

Finally, I decided that I would leave or die.

I decided I would rather take my own life than endure the pain of living with him.

I left on a rainy day, hungry and desperate.

I didn’t see him for almost a month.

But then he was there…….sweet, kind, loving, affectionate.

And I waded into the dark waters, hungry for their comforts.

I sank and sank until I almost drowned.

When he left he told me he “tried and tried with no returns.”

And I sat…..wrecked.

He had taken me in, filled me up, cut me down and thrown me out.

Every moment was overwhelming, unbelievable and completely unbearable. I still don’t believe it…and I don’t know how to bear it. Sometimes I wake up to a man’s voice. I am terrified and alone and still……..I long for his arms around me.

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